Investing in Commodities

Investing in Commodities

Dear ABC Family member,

In the light of what we understood as spoken by our director Mr. XXX at our Annual Day, in the current times it is very essential for all of us to widen our product basket. Recently many of our other business associates who also deal in Commodities have shared with us how the Commodities segment not only helped them in the testing times but also has boosted their revenues.

Also it has attracted an additional sect of clientele.

Thus we invite you to extend your product basket by starting Commodities at your center. Commodities today popularly has 3 exchanges MCX, NCDEX and NSEL. Where the NSEL being a spot exchange and the other two being derivative only. We shall offer the best support and service as rendered in the capital markets to you.

For further details or any query you may contact the Business Development department or ask your Client Relationship Manager (CRM).

Regards,

XYZ

Head- Business Development

Mr. Gerard Colaco: Thanks, but no thanks Mr. XYZ. We run a quality investment advisory services firm here, not a casino.

I was amused and entertained by the third para of Mr. XYZ’s literary effort on the marketing front. He has mentioned that the various slot machines in the ABC casino (like derivatives and commodities) have “attracted an additional sect of clientele.” I would agree with Mr. XYZ's choice of the word 'sect' instead of 'set,' because there is essentially no difference between a speculator idiotic enough to believe that he/she can become rich by trading commodities/derivatives and the fanatical beliefs of any member of any lunatic sect.

I have long believed that ABC is more interested in enrolling sects of speculators than sets of investors, so thanks for confirming this. I was also entertained by another example of Mr. XYZ's craftsmanship with words, namely his kind, albeit unsolicited advice to us to extend our “product basket.” Will the unfortunates who fall into this product basket, emerge as basket cases? If you do not know the meaning of the term 'basket case,' you may find a quick visit to www.dictionary.com suitably demoralising.

I sincerely hope ABC’s investment advisory capabilities are better than Mr. XYZ’s English.

Ordinarily, I would have ignored your mail. But I thought I will make one request. Do not send any of your marketing stuff to the clients of the ABC branch at Mangalore, which is run by Colaco & Aranha. It will serve no purpose whatsoever. First, you will not get even a single rupee of speculative business. No client of ours will even glance at the gaming tables in your casino, after being exposed to the kind of quality they get from us.

Second, you will be causing our clients needless annoyance. If you email them, they will need to delete your emails. If you mail or courier them such crap, they will be put to the trouble of having to redirect it to the nearest waste paper basket. Barring our clients, you may go ahead and send your emails to the rest of the world and if necessary, whatever forms of life exist on our neighbouring planets. And by all means tell your marketing people to send their emails to me. The entertainment I "derive" from them will be the closest I will get to a derivative. Sadly, ABC will derive no brokerage from this.

I now have a new understanding of Woody Allen's classic saying: "A stock broker is someone who 'invests' his clients' money - until it is all gone." Who knows – with the kind of marketing MBAs you have on board, ABC may even contribute significantly to creating the next global financial crisis. Mr. XYZ is most welcome to respond to this mail, if he wants to be dismantled further.